The Ish Report, 11-whatevertodayis-2010

So I was driving to work this morning when the damnedest thing happened: this older gentleman in a Chevrolet midsize pickup decided to declare his angst for pedal-depression with a more active form of protest in hitting my car. He was very enthusiastic about it -- and I'm definitely quoting what I presumed my make-believe telepathy would have uncovered -- thinking often that he was "sticking it to the Man." Somehow.

I'm fine. I smell like shit and piss, because the older gentleman had some issues controlling himself while we were exchanging information. Otherwise I'm fine. Except for the blood.

My car has some scratches, hurt feelings, and a vanished brakelight cover. That part irks me, actually. Let's talk about something else.

This past weekend, one of my best friends got married. I lived with him for a time, a dark time when I was looped up on power and fame as well as addicted to street corner relationships.* It was also a time when I thought trying sushi would be an ok idea, because I mean hey, all these other cutting-edge people were eating it and feeling generally boisterous about the whole thing. You know what? Trying sushi is never a good idea. It fucked up my life.

But me and this guy who got married this past weekend, see, we stayed close despite some glaring differences. 
a.) I smell better
b.) He's much taller
c.) I don't trip on my feet
d.) He can see better at shows
e.) I can't grow mustaches
f.) He can't operate a razor
g.) I have two Ocicats who I once employed to terminate his life
h.) He now has two dogs who have changed my opinion on children entirely (ie, preferable to dogs)

The list could continue, but the point is, we're still pals. In fact, we had a good situation going for a couple of bachelors back in the day: a functional foosball table and air hockey table adorning the living room, along with two TVs and maybe a few videogame systems. And the meth lab. But we don't talk about that much.

His new wife is a nice lady, way better than he would be in a fight against the zombies from Thriller, so I mean, I was pretty happy for them to get hitched. I even agreed to let them use my visage to further impress their families of the legitimacy of their union by agreeing to stand in the wedding. THAT'S FRIENDSHIP.

What Sassy and I learned at this fine wedding, however, is the most important part of this update, my friends. We learned about meaningful things. Love, maybe. I'm sure I'm supposed to say "love," but I got hit by a fucking car this morning, so give me a break here. This is what we learned:
Double Rainbow Unicorn Dance Party...in 2 days
* The entire sentence is a lie. Like unicorns.


  1. I'm sorry for what Sushi did to your life, that sneaky fish shit....
    Also, I got hit by a car ON MY BODY, it hit my person, and I got taken to the ER by the fire department, all the while I was making smartass remarks.
    I love you.
    Can I have the Ocicats if your injuries sustained finish you?
    Also, your watch, I don't have one, I want yours, fork it over.

  2. I hope it rains hot lava in your arctic soul.

  3. EEeek! Glad you are okay after some old fucker tried to run you off the road! And the car, sounds like she/he is fine as well. Some of these SoCal freeway drivers are idiots...actually most of them are (present company excluded).


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