Not Fully Realized

We say it a lot within the confines of a relationship: "I love you." We say it a lot, and for the most part, we mean it intently each time. But like any other repeated habit, verbal or otherwise, there are also times when it is said as a goodbye, or a hello, or a goodnight -- no less meaningful within the context of sharing, but not felt as intensely in those moments either.

And then there are moments that come randomly upon us when we feel it, and feel it hard. These moments are not always able to be verbalized in the same way, because the transmission of feelings, no matter how good the communicator, is different for each person, unique to each person. 

This is one of those times for me: sitting at my desk, my shoulder/back throbbing like mad, me working away with my mind wandering. And I feel it: "wow, I really love this crazy girl." (And let's be honest, "wow" should really read as "godfuckingdammit," because it's one of those strong, emphatic emotional recognitions and surprises.) 

Sassy is out and about somewhere, maybe working at her desk or taking a lunch. I may or may not be clear on those details, but that's hardly relevant: she's unaware of my feeling in this present moment. Oh she knows it in general -- or at least she better, since I say it often and try, despite my grumpy-causing pains of late, to treat her special as frequently as possible. Each time I say it, no matter the context (when she reads this word, she will geek out), I mean it, I know it -- but the intensity of the feeling is not always on the forefront. 

It is right now, for whatever magical reason. Maybe because I've been staring at a picture of her on my desktop all morning. Or because she picked up dinner last night, and it was all manner of tasty goodness. Or because she had me laughing about something only she could get me laughing about earlier, or...something. Who knows? But Sassy, despite everything else and despite the short amount of time we've been doing this "together" business, has already fixed herself as necessary to my mind, my heart, my spirit. (And I don't reference my spirit real often, but there you go.)

She chatters endlessly about the silliest things and often relates experiences by digression -- which means these relations can take a while! -- but I find myself missing her voice when she's quiet. Or curious about how she'd tell a story in any event, to the point where even though I tease her about it fiercely, I ask all sorts of questions. I want to know, but maybe not so much as I really just want to hear her tell me things. Anything. The shit about unicorns and rainbows she can keep posting up here, though.

I could break this down into a hundred individual and salient points about the whys and hows, but let's face it, that's not nearly as exciting reading to anyone else but her. The point is, and I mean this more truly than I've meant it since my earlier years, I found my best friend and partner, and she calls herself Sassy Sap, and she is one of the few people who can appreciate my talent for making sentences run-on while retaining meaning -- and that means a whole lot. 

Plus she's pretty hot. But I mean, let's not get carried away with that one, I don't want her to get a big(ger) head.