Where I've Been

It's been pretty quiet (another word for it is "weird") around here since August 3rd. There is a reason for that. August 3rd marks the day someone who was prominent once in my life ended hers.

A w k w a r d  s i l e n c e. I know, believe me, I know.

Without getting into it too much -- it may happen another day, but I'm not promising anything -- I was the last person she "spoke to," and even then it was only to my voicemail. This sort of thing is shocking, tragic, confusing. It sits heavy in me at moments. Someone I'd had very little contact with for the past year-plus called out of nowhere, left a message, and exited existence voluntarily. 

This is a bit disjointed, so you can see I'm still a bit unsettled over the whole thing. Then again, I'd like to know who comes to terms with something like this anyway. I've seen a lot of shit in my life -- my own and other people's -- but suicide is never something I expect will "make sense."

Especially by someone I'd known closely at one point. She was an alcoholic. Most of you reading this think you understand what that's like, but I can promise: you have no fucking idea. None. Movies, television shows, bullshit books you read: these don't convey the utter depravity and ugliness of this disease.

I said "disease," and I meant it. And even knowing she was heavily under the influence doesn't take away the incomprehension I feel. How can someone, anyone, choose to go like this? 

I'm not going into further details. It gets worse, like a car crash you see happening and just can't turn away from -- you don't want to see it, but it's happening. What the hell else do you do? Today is more about reconnecting with this blog than telling my recent story, so I'm skipping per my whim. I will add that, seven days after this went down, her funeral transpired. For her family and for the son she left behind, I wrote and spoke the eulogy.

I've had a bit of an ass kicking by life here in the past few months. But still I'm lucky, because I draw breath, and I do so next to the most amazing fucking person I know. There's a really good fucking reason she's my best friend, my love, my partner. Sassy has heard a lot of shit the past 10 days, none of which applies much to her -- I found her again well after I lived these other circumstances. But when the going got tough, she got tougher. I needed it.

She didn't deserve watching her best friend, her love, her partner go through this. Especially as it pertains to someone from his past. She didn't want to watch shock and guilt and confusion run rampant through his mind about someone who had her chance in his life. I feel for Sassy, because I can't make this any less awkward without repressing things.

But see...I don't have to. Sassy's got my back, like I've got hers. And we sometimes write about it with whatever humor we have here.


  1. I'm sorry.... and I say that as someone who does have some idea what this all is like...

  2. Kid- I am so sorry...

    I am glad that with Sassy by your side you can find peace, strength and the happiness that you deserve.


  3. And glad to have you back blogging again! Missed you guys...


  4. Matt, what a shock! I hope you are ok. Suicide is such a selfish thing to do and I hope the ones she left behind will be able to realize that it was the disease called alcoholism that caused her to do this.

    I am very happy that you have found someone to love, and be strong for you, while you deal with this.

  5. Addiction is the pits man.
    I've been surrounded by it forever, and I've watched it destroy my childhood and my family members in ways that I couldn't wish on my worst enemies.
    (For the record, I have no enemies , because I'm fucking spectacular)
    Sorry I'm late on this, but we've spoken on this topic above in the past few weeks, and I hope at this point you have made some sense out of everything and can come to some kind of terms that pretty much kills any guilt or sour feelings you may have had.
    Nothing worse than shit like that on your mind.
    I am a very big anti-suicide kind of guy, given the things I've been through in life, but addiciton is a whole other ball game, and liek I said, i've seen it turn worlds upside down, so I understand fully man.
    Hit me up if anything.
    Even if I'm not there, I'm always here.
    I don't know what that means, but it sounded cool.


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